I've been having a few conversations with my friend, Adam, about all the wounds that we carry as racialized individuals. They have been very helpful as they have helped me feel a) less alone, but I think speaking about painful stuff with other POC helps to articulate, reflect, and conceptualize a lot of things... In a way, a lot of what we experience is met with intense visceral reactions, so it's hard to explain these things using words (as language is very limiting and colonizing in itself). So again, it's been great talking to other POC and hearing about the stories they have and the zines that they're making. In many ways, picking at old wounds has been extremely painful, but by understanding how I've come to be the person that I am now and why I react to, feel, or do certain things as a result of painful experiences, has helped me deal with my anxiety (at least I hope it will) better. At least I can begin to think about possible solutions or treatments.
Adam, I believe, is currently reading Black Skin, White Masks by Franz Fanon, and I have also been reading it for my "Major Research Project." A major theme in the book deals with internalized racism and how, through a white supremacist lens, we are lead to believe certain myths about ourselves and our racialized bodies. Wanting to be considered human, we learn to hate our racialized bodies, and love the image of the white man- we internalize stereotypes and attempt to achieve whiteness. Therefore, something to consider when talking about racism is not just the white supremacist attitudes and behaviours that white people reproduce in order to uphold and maintain a white supremacist society and culture, but the ways in which white supremacy relies on the acceptance or internalization of white supremacy by POC (often through mimicking whiteness or doing hurtful/racist things to other POC).
When we've been socialized for so long to believe that colour is ugly (and bad and inhuman) and whiteness is beautiful (good and something we should strive for), we sometimes learn to alienate each other and reinforce racial hatred on ourselves.
* I should also note that what I'm saying here should not be compared to other derailing arguments that state that, "everyone is racist" and "people of colour are just as racist to each other as white people are." It should be noted that white supremacy and racism relies on both power an prejudice. The way that we hurt each other (at least in the 'multicultural' context of North America) does not grant us, as another (or the same) racialized group any power. We do not gain any privileges from being racist towards other POC (though in some cases it may grant us power as individuals, but not as a racial group). Both systemically and structurally, privilege based on race is granted to white people and thus, the whole "everyone is racist" argument is irrelevant and neglects to take power into consideration. Yet, when we are 'racist' to each other (whether it is to people of our own ethnic or racial group or to another group of POC) it is often complicit in reinforcing the ideologies of white supremacy. When we say, "black people are all like this," when we're Asian, "or, I can't believe these Asian people, I'm not like them," we're probably regurgitating the myths and the stereotypes that also feed white supremacy.
Anyway, I'm writing all of this because coming to terms with my own internalized racism has been some of the hardest things for me to deal with/ admit to. On my tumblr account, I wrote an article talking about how I resented a group of Asian girls for trying to befriend me and call attention to my Asian-ness in high school. However, I experienced another moment of internalized racism yesterday that left me feeling unsettled, disappointed in myself, and sad. So yesterday, I went to the grocery store after my chiropractor appointment. As I walked into the grocery store, I saw two senior Asian women arguing with the cashier. Because the cashier couldn't understand what she was saying, he asked an Asian man if he understood her language (which, I assume was Cantonese because I vaguely recognized it coming from a Cantonese background myself). Upon seeing the entire situation, all I could of think of was, "oh god, I can't believe that this woman is making a scene. She's going to make the rest of us look bad." I felt immediately embarrassed because she was being 'a hysterical Chinese woman,' and didn't want to be associated with some like that. I felt lucky that I didn't have to be the one translating (even though I can't speak Chinese) and that I could scurry to the back of the store and avoid any connection with that woman based on our race. Obviously, after the initial thought process, I felt fucked up over it. First of all, the sinking realization that whenever someone of "our race" did something negative, we'd have to fear that folks would associate that as being part of "our race." You can't just do something as an individual, you're doing it as a Chinese person, for example. Secondly, was the realization of how fucked up my reaction was to her. I was both ashamed and angry at her and wanted NO connection with her at all. I was a better Chinese person, I was being respectful to the other customers and employees, and most importantly, I knew English so I wouldn't have to deal with frustrating attempts at communication. It was all her fault. Lastly distressing was the poor man's involvement in the entire scene. People asked him to translate (assuming that he spoke Chinese, which he could very well not have been able to do). And secondly, he was the one who had to position himself as the "Good Chinese person, see we're not all like this" model. He didn't even know her and he was the one who had to apologize saying, "oh you know old people..." and trying to make excuses for Chinese people as a whole.
The whole experience was very reminding of a few things and again, made me super aware of how deep these wounds continue to be (and how I will probably fight the rest of my life trying not to feel this way). But to have so much disdain for a woman because she was being a "bad Chinese" person was very distressing to me. I looked at her, and all I saw was her race, which was mine. And I guess I became super aware of how these reactions maintain a form of self-policing or self-disciplining by judging other POC and wishing that we'd all act in the ways that wouldn't draw attention to us or get them to 'accept' us, and how I've been (and continue to be) complicit in it...
I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or if I'm keeping to the point, but I just wanted to at least begin to articulate what that moment meant for me... I don't know.
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