I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I am a very narcissistic person. I am also the master of procrastination. But to be fair, I do have a book in my hand. It is for my research project. I just have to keep pushing myself to write more... But seriously, why am I still here? When is this going to end? Aren't plaid shirts and cardigans the sexiest?

I'm sure you're all very interested in this complex and deeply analytical questions. I just want to hand in my rough draft and visit Jeffrey. Blargh. Soon. soon.

Reading the comments on the "Too Asian" article in MacCleans.

And it feels like I’m being cut with a knife. Even folks who are trying to be sympathetic and who are explaining that for new immigrants, you have no choice but to work hard because you have little money, few family members, and because of your status as a minority, you have to prove yourself or essentially get shit on for the rest of your life… are inadvertently being racist. This is true for my father, yes. He came here with $50 in his pocket and got 90s in pharmacy school. He worked 70 hours, sent money home to his parents, and worked himself until he got an ulcer… But, this is not true for me. I was born here. I don’t speak Chinese. I was raised very “Canadian” (because my mom is second generation too). I am not, basically what you’ve constructed as being “fresh of the boat” ( an offensive term, but I think fitting to describe how we’re treated and stereotyped). However, because of how I look, I’m automatically lumped into this category.  All of us Canadian born Asians are lumped into this category- even though for us Canadian born Asian kids, we probably have more cultural similarities with some white folks (depending on how many generations we’ve been here etc). 

And really, there’s no winning if you’re a POC. If you come here and become successful, you’re demonized for “taking your jobs” or taking too much room in your schools. These jobs and these institutions apparently, belong to you white folks. If we were to take more working class positions (such as working in a laundry like my grandma did), we’d be demonized for again, taking your jobs and settling for less pay (because as model minorities we work hard for less… and this kind of exploitation has dated back to the construction of the railroad). If we were to go on social assistance, we’d again, be demonized for being lazy POC, who are taking advantage of your government money…

In other words, ship us all back to Asia! There, it’d be much simpler! No more ‘Asian’ people taking your jobs, or taking up space in your schools, or taking advantage of your social assistance! Even the ones who were born here, just round us up and ship us back to the generic continent of Asia! We all look the same, anyway…

I also read some negative comments about Asian TAs and how they “can’t speak English,” etc, and start to feel super self-conscious about my own position as a TA. The language barrier has not been so much of a problem but I do notice a difference in how students approach me in comparison to my white coworkers… I notice how profs of colour are treated differently in comparison to their white coworkers… And I wonder, are the students thinking the same thing?  ”Who is this Chink? And, why does she have the authority to teach us anything?”

Maybe I’m being ungrateful… My mom described how our relatives in China think that we live in the “land of Gold,” because our family lives in Canada. I realize that if we lived in China, our family might have remained impoverished… and I’m lucky to have everything that I do now because my family paid head taxes and because my family risked a lot to come here… But, on many levels, I am not grateful and do not consider myself a Canadian. I adopt the term Canadian born Chinese, because there are no other terms to describe me when people ask me “what” I am. But, I’ve never felt like a citizen. I’ve never felt like I belong here, so I’m reluctant to take pride in a nation that pretends to tolerate my existence through their multicultural rhetoric. However, because we’ve been here for so long, I’d feel uncomfortable calling myself Chinese too. I look Chinese, yes. My family is Chinese, yes. But, I’m so unfamiliar with the culture, and the language, and the land itself… So, I often feel unsettled, like I have no home. I don’t belong in either places, and I feel like a perpetual “Other,” and it hurts so much…

Tumblr Haus glasses party.

New Glasses.

My new glasses came in today! I am the hippsest of hipsters. Also, had a lovely shopping day with my mom. It was nice. Now I am cold because heat apparently doesn't travel to the upstairs of my house... I am going to the gym to watch the Foodnetwork. Yes, the Foodnetwork is like the best thing to happen when I work out.

oh, hey. it's a cute boy with a cat!

Jeffrey and Cat Turner being cute and sending me pictures over the internet.

Ugh... so I haven't progressed as far into my paper as I would have liked. Got distracted by tumblr and streaming television shows (as a form of escapism). Sigh. I really don't know how I've managed to get this far, to be honest. I'm so exhausted and tired of writing essays. I'm so ready to leave. Just a little longer. It's both exciting and terrifying to actually think that I may never go back. After what? 18 years of going to school, I may NEVER go back? Er-lack. Well, at least I'll have to figure this stuff out, finally.

Good things that happened today, though:

-An e-mail from Erin Kean! I've being meaning to get in touch with this woman for so long. However, I deleted my facebook and realized that I don't have her updated telephone number. So, you could imagine my excitement when she e-mailed me! Miss you, Ekean! Can't say that enough.

- Baked eggplant. So yummy. (Yes, procrastination = heightened amount of domestic activity minus the cleaning which, uh... yeah, need to do for the sake of my roomates).

- Talked to the cutest boy in the world! He made me smile and giggle.

- Bonded with Dorian.

- Hugged Sarah Anne and declared her my platonic partner, because she kind of is.

Now, must go to bed soon.

Photo Added for Effect.

I FAIL. SERIOUSLY.

Did this instead.

MRP.

9:58 AM - Word Count: 5573

Goal for 4:00 PM - Word Count: 6600

Goal for 11: 59 PM - Word Count: 7500

Let's see if I can do this? C'mon friends and readers, hold me accountable to this.

Did I seriously go on for 500 words about the Tyra Banks show?

The answer is: yes.

I MADE MY FIRST MEME!

I am super internet cool! I also submitted it to the very best new tumblr, Privilege Denying Dude, where you can make and submit your own privilege denying memes!

Friday Night at the Tumblr Haus.

Fries and gravy making, video gamming, tumbling and essay writing!

M.I.A. a Ms Petrushka Baxter who we miss very dearly and wish was here. 

Oh, hey.

I have this irrational fear that I'm misinterpreting my primary theory texts...

Which would thus invalidate my entire argument and mean that I would have to redo everything... This is why I should have actively met with my advisor instead of push everything aside. Well, let's see how this rough draft goes. If it's a big enough problem, well, then I guess there's nothing I can do about it.

Totally getting a pair of these...

Yep, and I'm damn excited about it too. I admit it, I am a hipster, okay? Wait, but if I say I'm a hipster, that must mean that I'm not a hipster because real hipsters wouldn't say that they're hipsters.

Mind is blown.

Also, it was a bad idea to get my eyes checked and allow the doctor to dilate my pupils when i know I have hours of typing away at the computer ahead of me.

So far behind. ER-lack.

Coconut Cookies.

Procrastination for those with anxious energy! 

Now, if only Jeffrey were here to make it a 'cozy' situation. 

I've also managed to convince myself that I have adult ADHD, which, would actually explain a lot of things to be honest.

Hmmm...
Need to not be so transparent about my insecurities.
Bah.

Oh hey, before you become a defensive d-bag...

Here is a quote taken from Tumblr:

It takes a massive, unbelievable amount of courage to stand up and say something is racist. Or sexist. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist. A person who stands up does not do it for entertainment or enjoyment, because being looked upon as uncouth for interrupting others’ good times is not enjoyable or entertaining. Nor do they do it because it hurt their feelings, because -isms do not hurt feelings. -Isms are not that kind. -Isms kick people to the ground and hold them there for others to walk upon. Don’t be mistaken—if someone calls you racist or sexist or any -ist, they do not wish to annoy you or cause you problems. I can almost guarantee you that they are feeling scared or weak when they call you out, because what they are doing is telling someone who is walking upon them for a hand up, for consideration. And you need to give them that. You need to listen.

The Ward

 

As a study/work break, I decided to take a walk around the Ward today. It's such a lovely neighbourhood and I have always wanted to live here/ am lucky to be living here right now. If only I could have been able to live here in the summer, that would have been nice.

66 Malice.

Alice St.

Cross St.

Arthur St.

Ontario St.

Home.

Common Room Poster.

Text messaging my roomate about my bourgeois problems...

What have I become?

Counting the days until I leave the ivory tower of academia and become a real person.

In other news, why does it take me 20 minutes to write one sentence?

Ugh... MY LIFE!

RE: If you say it nicer, people will be more likely to listen you.

I found this response to the "you should say it nicely to white people" argument on My Culture is Not a Trend's website. I think it's very fitting given the type of assholes I encounter on a regular basis.


"Politeness derailing is for the comfort of the privileged, the ones that wouldn't have been aware of the reality outside of their fantasy world until they're reminded of it, and would prefer to be gently woken up from their dreams with soothing words and pettings than to be woken up in the same ugly fashion that so many of us are. And then it's our fault for not being gentle enough with them instead of focusing on what we're trying to show them - how ugly and brutal the world can be.


Fuck Being Silenced."

On a lighter note...

Bill using the term "clam slam" is the best thing ever. Celine would be happy to hear that this happened.

On Internalized Racism

I've been having a few conversations with my friend, Adam, about all the wounds that we carry as racialized individuals. They have been very helpful as they have helped me feel a) less alone, but I think speaking about painful stuff with other POC helps to articulate, reflect, and conceptualize a lot of things... In a way, a lot of what we experience is met with intense visceral reactions, so it's hard to explain these things using words (as language is very limiting and colonizing in itself). So again, it's been great talking to other POC and hearing about the stories they have and the zines that they're making. In many ways, picking at old wounds has been extremely painful, but by understanding how I've come to be the person that I am now and why I react to, feel, or do certain things as a result of painful experiences, has helped me deal with my anxiety (at least I hope it will) better. At least I can begin to think about possible solutions or treatments.

Adam, I believe, is currently reading Black Skin, White Masks by Franz Fanon, and I have also been reading  it for my "Major Research Project." A major theme in the book deals with internalized racism and how, through a white supremacist lens, we are lead to believe certain myths about ourselves and our racialized bodies. Wanting to be considered human, we learn to hate our racialized bodies, and love the image of the white man- we internalize stereotypes and attempt to achieve whiteness. Therefore, something to consider when talking about racism is not just the white supremacist attitudes and behaviours that white people reproduce in order to uphold and maintain a white supremacist society and culture, but the ways in which white supremacy relies on the acceptance or internalization of white supremacy by POC (often through mimicking whiteness or doing hurtful/racist things to other POC).
When we've been socialized for so long to believe that colour is ugly (and bad and inhuman) and whiteness is beautiful (good and something we should strive for), we sometimes learn to alienate each other and reinforce racial hatred on ourselves.

* I should also note that what I'm saying here should not be compared to other derailing arguments that state that, "everyone is racist" and "people of colour are just as racist to each other as white people are." It should be noted that white supremacy and racism relies on both power an prejudice. The way that we hurt each other (at least in the 'multicultural' context of North America) does not grant us, as another (or the same) racialized group any power. We do not gain any privileges from being racist towards other POC (though in some cases it may grant us power as individuals, but not as a racial group). Both systemically and structurally, privilege based on race is granted to white people and thus, the whole "everyone is racist" argument is irrelevant and neglects to take power into consideration. Yet, when we are 'racist' to each other (whether it is to people of our own ethnic or racial group or to another group of POC) it is often complicit in reinforcing the ideologies of white supremacy. When we say, "black people are all like this," when we're Asian, "or, I can't believe these Asian people, I'm not like them," we're probably regurgitating the myths and the stereotypes that also feed white supremacy.

Anyway, I'm writing all of this because coming to terms with my own internalized racism has been some of the hardest things for me to deal with/ admit to. On my tumblr account, I wrote an article talking about how I resented a group of Asian girls for trying to befriend me and call attention to my Asian-ness in high school. However, I experienced another moment of internalized racism yesterday that left me feeling unsettled, disappointed in myself, and sad. So yesterday, I went to the grocery store after my chiropractor appointment. As I walked into the grocery store, I saw two senior Asian women arguing with the cashier. Because the cashier couldn't understand what she was saying, he asked an Asian man if he understood her language (which, I assume was Cantonese because I vaguely recognized it coming from a Cantonese background myself). Upon seeing the entire situation, all I could of think of was, "oh god, I can't believe that this woman is making a scene. She's going to make the rest of us look bad." I felt  immediately embarrassed because she was being 'a hysterical Chinese woman,' and didn't want to be associated with some like that. I felt lucky that I didn't have to be the one translating (even though I can't speak Chinese) and that I could scurry to the back of the store and avoid any connection with that woman based on our race. Obviously, after the initial thought process, I felt fucked up over it. First of all, the sinking realization that whenever someone of "our race" did something negative, we'd have to fear that folks would associate that as being part of "our race." You can't just do something as an individual, you're doing it as a Chinese person, for example. Secondly, was the realization of how fucked up my reaction was to her. I was both ashamed and angry at her and wanted NO connection with her at all. I was a better Chinese person, I was being respectful to the other customers and employees, and most importantly, I knew English so I wouldn't have to deal with frustrating attempts at communication. It was all her fault. Lastly distressing was the poor man's involvement in the entire scene. People asked him to translate (assuming that he spoke Chinese, which he could very well not have been able to do). And secondly, he was the one who had to position himself as the "Good Chinese person, see we're not all like this" model. He didn't even know her and he was the one who had to apologize saying, "oh you know old people..." and trying to make excuses for Chinese people as a whole.

The whole experience was very reminding of a few things and again, made me super aware of how deep these wounds continue to be (and how I will probably fight the rest of my life trying not to feel this way). But to have so much disdain for a woman because she was being a "bad Chinese" person was very distressing to me.  I looked at her, and all I saw was her race, which was mine. And I guess I became super aware of how these reactions maintain a form of self-policing or self-disciplining by judging other POC and wishing that we'd all act in the ways that wouldn't draw attention to us or get them to 'accept' us, and how I've been (and continue to be) complicit in it...

I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or if I'm keeping to the point, but I just wanted to at least begin to articulate what that moment meant for me... I don't know.

Unrequited Love.

Don't bother with the flowers...

My idea of a romance includes:

- Being able to cite 'the Room' in between smooches. Nothing sexier than saying, "Oh hai, Mark" before and after you make out.
-And, receiving text messages that say, "I will kiss your butt any day..."

Sure beats flowers and chocolates.
Seriously though, the Room and grade five flirtations are great :)

This is too perfect. Also, I know that I'm obsessed with the Room. It's a big problem. Wanna fight about it?

Heh.

THIS. Except that it uses the word "insane" in an ableist fashion. The rest of it is pretty dead on. Sigh.
This also applies to issues regarding race and other forms of oppression in which the privileged folk like to become all defensive, invalidate your position, and basically do anything in their power to make you feel defeated. Yay.

You are tearing me apart...

Re: This City is Haunted

I just found out that my friend was fired from her place of employment because she gently explained to a costumer why wearing a "Native" costume was inappropriate. This is another addition to the depressing things that exist in this city (though I can't be naive and assume that it's better anywhere else). I'm just so tired and am starting to feel increasingly tired and paranoid and boxed in so that finding any kind of safety within this city feels almost impossible. And, I've been obsessing in the past few hours about how my students hate me and will probably want to attack me too. I know that a lot of this is irrational but I'm kind of lost and am really bad at self-care/ looking for things that will help me feel safe again. Also, feeling anxious about not having enough of my research project done but being too anxious to do any substantial work on it is yet another vicious cycle that I'm having trouble getting out of- Just when I thought I was getting my shit together and becoming stronger, it all comes crashing down. I think I'm like a cattle dog, I ignore when things are starting to hurt until something substantial breaks.

Excerpts from Racism and Racial Identity: Reflections on Urban Practices in Mental Health and Social Services

"Sanchez-Hucles (1998) clarifies that racism can be a form of emotional abuse and trauma for ethnic minorities because it involves negative, rejecting and/or demeaning societal messages that undermine self-esteem. Building on the work of Hart, Germain, and Brassard (1983), Sanchez-Hucles describes emotional abuse as 'consisting of both acts of commission and omission that are psychologically damaging and can be perpetuated by groups or individuals' (pg 73). Emotional abuses adversely impact one's affective, behavioral, and cognitive functioning.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Mental Disorder (DSM-IV-TR;American Psychiatric Association, 2000), some instances of emotional abuse can be justifiably diagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).... Some argue that racism-related aspects of trauma may operate in ways that are different from classic PTSD. In particular, the DSM-IV-TR specifies that traumatic events must involve actual or witnessed 'death, serious injury or a threat to one's physical integrity.' Yet, Sanchez- Hucles (1998) notes that 'the trauma and abusiveness of racism is as likely to be due to chronic, systemic, and invisible assaults on the personhood of ethnic minorities as a single catastrophic event' (72).

A number of scholars, clinicians, and researchers have argued for expanding the definition of PTSD to include responses to racism by people of color. Root describes the trauma of racism as 'insidious trauma.' Sanchez-Hucles and Root both argue that current trauma theory and definitions of PTSD 'fail to both address the accumulated effects of devalued status for ethnic minorities that begins upon birth, persists throughout a lifetime, and carries threats to individuals' well-being when actual violence is not acted out. Butts notes that the origins of trauma related PTSD in the DSM-IV-TR are not inclusive enough. In his opinion, racial/ethnic discrimination experiences can result in symptoms associated with a diagnosis of PTSD."

I've been thinking about how to explain some of my emotional responses to racism... I (and a lot of other folks of colour) often describe racism as being traumatic. I'm doing a bit of research for my zine right now, but can't really bring myself to write anything and elaborate about my own experiences. And though I realize the limitations and some of the problems of framing responses to racism within the discourses of psychology (because the institution itself is problematic), I guess I'm trying to find ways to be able to explain it from a distance. If that makes sense? I'm not sure if I would identify as having symptoms of PTSD, but the idea of "insidious trauma" is something that speaks to me. Sigh. I wish I could articulate it better. 

White-Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy

"White-supremacist capitalist patriarchy is a term coined by bell hooks in order to talk about the structures of domination that she claims are at work in the United States. The premise that informs this term is that different forms of oppression, the most prominent, according to hooks, being racism, sexism, and classist oppression, are all manifestations of a larger root cause. That root cause is the conception of power in society, the idea that might equals right, that the ability to dominate another through violence is somehow an imperative to do so.

The term white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy itself is a critique of this common conception of power, as well as an implicit claim that capitalism, racism, and patriarchy are interconnected forms of oppression and as such, must be reckoned with as whole rather than individually. hooks has also used the term imperialist as a modifier for this concept, connecting imperialism with racism, sexism, and capitalism.

Hooks refutes the idea of men as the "enemy" as untrue, ineffective, and a simplification of the complex societal issues at hand."


http://wikibin.org/articles/white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchy.html

Things to make me smile again....