Happy New Years!

Welcomed the new year with a  healthy dose of procrastination, mildly breaking vegan, hanging out with my family, and getting a cute little kiss on the cheek from my seven year old cousin. 

Hung out with my old friend, Adele, yesterday. It was really nice and nostalgic. It's good being able to return to old friends and it still feel comfortable even when life is kind of hectic and you can't always keep super in touch. I have very few people that I keep in touch with from Georgetown, and all of these relationships have had its difficulties and its painful moments on top of being deep and rewarding friendships. I don't know, amongst the business, and all the acquaintances and social networks that I've tried to make, I found that most of my relationships with people have been very fleeting. It gives me hope that there will be some worth holding onto, like my lovely Tumblr Haus roomates.

Anyway, today is my day of avoidance. Actually, it's been more like an avoidance month, but y'know. I'm feeling super anxious because I don't know how to even look at my MRP again, let alone finish it... I don't really know how I made it to grad school in the first place. On the one hand, I'm confident in my abilities to write well and to engage critically. That's not the problem. The problem is my inability to navigate the anxiety and the level of stress that I'm unable to deal with. It's not that I can't write. It's that I have to go through a million little things to coax my brain to even start writing without freaking out and feeling panicked about it... Blergh.

I'm also anxious about my level of exposure etc. to the internet. I had some interesting conversations about privacy with Adele yesterday, and this weird kind of culture in which we expose ourselves emotionally through the internet. It's kind of been giving me some paranoia because I do not always know who reads my blogs, and I do not know how to protect myself because I've exposed myself so publicly. There are many ways in which I can be attacked and can make myself vulnerable... And it's also created some awkwardness when I find out things/ am exposed to peoples emotions around situations that I feel are private/ I shouldn't be reading.

Anyway, maybe I will work my way up to writing something today. Who knows.

My advisor e-mailed me and told me to submit my MRP no later than January 5th...
I think I'm going to vomit.
Blergh.

Now.

Trying to fight off sickness. though am being worn down by fatigue.
Sitting in my Queen size bed at my parents' house.
Feeling a little unsure as to how my job interview went this morning... I forgot how to answer questions about "team building" and "problem solving." Terrified that I might have to enter the real world and wonder if I will just end up crawling back to more grad school in the end...
Bought knitting supplies.
Avoiding doing my MRP...
Wanting to take a nap.
Scared about what it means to love someone.
Going to curl up.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever being too "moody," or too dramatic. I find that often, these words are problematic as they are often employed to delegitimize and invalidate peoples' experiences and feelings (and it's used in a very gendered way). However, it's hard not to second guess myself and feel like it's okay to not be able to "handle things," and that it is real and a legitimate way of feeling. I'm just trying to balance a self-defeatist attitude with allowing myself to be okay with my limitations. It's just something that I'm not good at doing.

I feel like I'm doing much better than I was a few days ago. Things are starting to fall into place (or, at least I feel more emotionally capable of handling them). I scored free tickets to New York for early February, I've been having good conversations with my partner (having a partner is weird, foreign, sometimes awkward, but at the same time very rewarding for me.... I'm still trying to figure out how these "relationship" type things are supposed to work), I've received positive feedback from my advisor (which makes me feel more confident about finishing my project), I only have exams left to mark, and I have a potential job in February (which is only ten weeks, so it will still mean that I can move to Montreal, even if it's a little later than I had originally planned- it'll give me more of a cushion to have rent lined up for a bit, as well as money to go on tour -maybe- in the summer?) So, when I break things down, it doesn't seem that bad at all.

I've also been cooking up a storm and making the tastiest of comfort foods. This morning I made fries and gravy, and yesterday evening, I made breaded eggplant. I'll probably have to get the holiday sweat pants out, but that's alright. It's that time of year.

Anyway, I should stop distracting myself with kitties, Teen Mom, and now blogging. On with the first year exams!

Sitting in the common room with a ridiculous lace headband on my head, waiting for tea to boil and waiting to feel less cranky. I spent the entire day marking essays, feeling stressed about finishing all my U of Guelph responsibilities, making plans to go home for Christmas, and the bills that I haven't paid, and how I should go about collecting health insurance money... I often feel inadequate because I feel like hey, I'm an adult, and for many folks, the tasks are not difficult (if not minimal). So, why am I having such a hard time without feeling overwhelmed?

I have to force myself to be productive because I have no choice. So I work slowly, get distracted and then feel frustrated at myself for "not getting enough done." Blergh, things were so easy in New Haven, but a lot of that had to do with being somewhere where I didn't have a "life" to be responsible for (and the cute boy and cute cat also helped a tremendous amount). I've been sulking about feeling tired since the bus ride home and dreaded going to bed alone. I guess I just need a few days to get my feet back on the ground... feel calm again, and start working on my MRP again... Once the marking is over and the essay is over, I can maybe take a break to collect my thoughts. Hopefully the anxiety of not knowing what's going to "happen next," will wait a few days before it starts to creep up on me again.

The rest of my trip in New Haven was wonderful, though. Adam, Rowan, and I went to the Yale museum of Art (I'm not sure if I blogged about that before), saw neat things, and then headed to Food Not Bombs and met some more New Haven kids. Jeffrey and I copied a lot of zines for the APOC distro, made pancakes for breakfast, took a lot of MacBook photos, watched Born in Flames with Adam and Rowan, ate a ton of Newman-O's, went to the beach, and made seitan. If you haven't already guessed, I really miss those kids and miss spending time with them. Le sigh. I guess I'll have to visit them again, considering that I scored free tickets to New York courtesy of Megabus.com. So, that is something to look forward to. That, and my APOC distro and investing in projects that make me feel good. Now, I'm just worried that I won't know where to put my priorities when I have the time... but then again, I worry about everything and should take it as it comes.

Let me show you more pictures from my trip!

Playing music at Adam's house.

Playing Cat Power covers and digging the nylon guitar strings.

Portia and I.

Adam can't handle Rowan's looing

Smoke Factory

Music at Claire's

Yale Museum of Art

Vegan pancakes

Castle

Beach

More beach

Will miss

Feeling really anxious about going home tomorrow.
I realize that the past week or so has been a wonderful (and much needed) break from reality/ the responsibilities that I have at home. However, the more I think about what I have to do/deal with when I get back, the more overwhelmed I start to feel. I mean realistically, it's manageable. I can do all these things. I can mark all my exams, answer student emails, read my advisor's criticisms, start writing again, visit my family, and figure out what I am going to do in January if I break it all down and conceptualize/plan. But, I don't even want to look at it or check my gryphmail. I don't want to read my advisor's critiques, I don't want to answer student emails, I don't want to feel stressed about being able to graduate, I don't want to care about social situations, I don't want to pay my overdue Rogers bill/plan financially for when I no longer have a job, or make plans to move, or acknowledge to my parents how I'm often incapable of being an 'adult' etc. etc. I don't want to commit to anything/ face my responsibilities. Blergh. I don't know why I can't do it. But I have to make it all work somehow.

Kat Turner...

Sorry, Rosie. I have competing cat photos. This is Kat Turner, he is the king of The Castle... If you want your heart to melt, come to New Haven, Conneticut and let his claws tear at your heart strings.

New Haven

I'm trying to write an actual blog post, but for some reason am find it difficult to get into a writing move and form a cohesive, well versed narrative. Hmm. Anyway, I'm currently sitting alone on Jeffrey's bed, sinking through the gap between the milk crates (which I should probably fix before Camille gets home).

EDIT: Now I am sitting in the kitchen waiting for water boil to make coffee, and am eating kettle chips with Jeff. Rowan and Adam are off on a park date, being all cute and probably singing Mogli songs (I joke) and being griping old grandmas...

New Haven is really beautiful. I'm having a wonderful time and everyone seems so nice. So far it's been a lot of hanging out and meeting new people. On our first day in states, we ended up getting into New York at around 9 am. Rowan took us on the wrong subway train to Grand Central, so we ended up taking a nice stroll in downtown New York from where the bus let us off to Grand Central Station (where you catch the commuter train to New Haven). When we got there, we were greeted by Adam and Jeffrey at the train station. Adam then took us back to his house and fed us some sourdough pancakes with Earth Balance and maple syrup. Then, we went back to the Castle and met Camille, Marty, Sarah K, and Kat Turner. After Adam got off of work, we drank beers and explored an abandoned armory. I threatened to bring a copy of "Expect Resistance," and talk about how, in the abandoned building, we were liberating our desires... Obviously, I should have "expected resistance" (har har) to this idea.

Anyway, here are some photos from Rowan's blog (because Adam was using my camera to take videos).

On Tuesday, Jeffrey and I went to a potluck birthday party at his friend, Dan's house. We ate banana cake, vegan pizza, and oat groats and beets. Jeffrey also ended up winning at Settler's of Catan.

Wednesday, we went to Adam's band's klezmer concert and yanked a bottle of wine from the Yale funding, hung out at Adam's house and played old timey music, and drank vegan hot chocolate (with vegan marshmellows).

Thursday, I hung out, drank tea with Camille and had really good conversations about POC/QPOC/WOC stuff. We went to Claire's to see the Tlaxcala photo exhibit, ate mini cakes, sipped homemade sangria, and listened to music. Adam then lured us to his home and fed us some split pea soup and then we watched a couple episodes of Boondocks. 

Friday, we went to Miya's with Jim, Camille, Adam, and Rowan. We ended up waiting over half an hour to get a table because this group of ugly sweater wearing women had already paid their bills, and decided to hang out for over twenty minutes while folks were sitting outside in the cold for a table... But, the sushi was really fresh and really cheap (2.50$ for around 8 rolls and 1.00$ pumpkin miso soups). Rowan ended up getting a set of free rolls because they messed up her order. Then, we went to Adam's house and watched the Room (but I ended up falling asleep for the last half of it :()

New Haven was really beautiful yesterday because it snowed, but today the temperature rose to over six degrees (celcius) so everything melted. But, it looked like fall weather so Adam, Rowan and I walked downtown and looked at the Yale Art Gallery. This has been the sum of my trip (so far) but I will update with more pictures later. I realize my limitations in being a travel blogger person... More to come.

The Cool Kids You Wish You Were

Can't write anymore...
MRP headache.
ARGH.
On the plus side, will be heading to the States v. soon.
I can't even contain my excitement!

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I am a very narcissistic person. I am also the master of procrastination. But to be fair, I do have a book in my hand. It is for my research project. I just have to keep pushing myself to write more... But seriously, why am I still here? When is this going to end? Aren't plaid shirts and cardigans the sexiest?

I'm sure you're all very interested in this complex and deeply analytical questions. I just want to hand in my rough draft and visit Jeffrey. Blargh. Soon. soon.

Reading the comments on the "Too Asian" article in MacCleans.

And it feels like I’m being cut with a knife. Even folks who are trying to be sympathetic and who are explaining that for new immigrants, you have no choice but to work hard because you have little money, few family members, and because of your status as a minority, you have to prove yourself or essentially get shit on for the rest of your life… are inadvertently being racist. This is true for my father, yes. He came here with $50 in his pocket and got 90s in pharmacy school. He worked 70 hours, sent money home to his parents, and worked himself until he got an ulcer… But, this is not true for me. I was born here. I don’t speak Chinese. I was raised very “Canadian” (because my mom is second generation too). I am not, basically what you’ve constructed as being “fresh of the boat” ( an offensive term, but I think fitting to describe how we’re treated and stereotyped). However, because of how I look, I’m automatically lumped into this category.  All of us Canadian born Asians are lumped into this category- even though for us Canadian born Asian kids, we probably have more cultural similarities with some white folks (depending on how many generations we’ve been here etc). 

And really, there’s no winning if you’re a POC. If you come here and become successful, you’re demonized for “taking your jobs” or taking too much room in your schools. These jobs and these institutions apparently, belong to you white folks. If we were to take more working class positions (such as working in a laundry like my grandma did), we’d be demonized for again, taking your jobs and settling for less pay (because as model minorities we work hard for less… and this kind of exploitation has dated back to the construction of the railroad). If we were to go on social assistance, we’d again, be demonized for being lazy POC, who are taking advantage of your government money…

In other words, ship us all back to Asia! There, it’d be much simpler! No more ‘Asian’ people taking your jobs, or taking up space in your schools, or taking advantage of your social assistance! Even the ones who were born here, just round us up and ship us back to the generic continent of Asia! We all look the same, anyway…

I also read some negative comments about Asian TAs and how they “can’t speak English,” etc, and start to feel super self-conscious about my own position as a TA. The language barrier has not been so much of a problem but I do notice a difference in how students approach me in comparison to my white coworkers… I notice how profs of colour are treated differently in comparison to their white coworkers… And I wonder, are the students thinking the same thing?  ”Who is this Chink? And, why does she have the authority to teach us anything?”

Maybe I’m being ungrateful… My mom described how our relatives in China think that we live in the “land of Gold,” because our family lives in Canada. I realize that if we lived in China, our family might have remained impoverished… and I’m lucky to have everything that I do now because my family paid head taxes and because my family risked a lot to come here… But, on many levels, I am not grateful and do not consider myself a Canadian. I adopt the term Canadian born Chinese, because there are no other terms to describe me when people ask me “what” I am. But, I’ve never felt like a citizen. I’ve never felt like I belong here, so I’m reluctant to take pride in a nation that pretends to tolerate my existence through their multicultural rhetoric. However, because we’ve been here for so long, I’d feel uncomfortable calling myself Chinese too. I look Chinese, yes. My family is Chinese, yes. But, I’m so unfamiliar with the culture, and the language, and the land itself… So, I often feel unsettled, like I have no home. I don’t belong in either places, and I feel like a perpetual “Other,” and it hurts so much…

Tumblr Haus glasses party.

New Glasses.

My new glasses came in today! I am the hippsest of hipsters. Also, had a lovely shopping day with my mom. It was nice. Now I am cold because heat apparently doesn't travel to the upstairs of my house... I am going to the gym to watch the Foodnetwork. Yes, the Foodnetwork is like the best thing to happen when I work out.

oh, hey. it's a cute boy with a cat!

Jeffrey and Cat Turner being cute and sending me pictures over the internet.

Ugh... so I haven't progressed as far into my paper as I would have liked. Got distracted by tumblr and streaming television shows (as a form of escapism). Sigh. I really don't know how I've managed to get this far, to be honest. I'm so exhausted and tired of writing essays. I'm so ready to leave. Just a little longer. It's both exciting and terrifying to actually think that I may never go back. After what? 18 years of going to school, I may NEVER go back? Er-lack. Well, at least I'll have to figure this stuff out, finally.

Good things that happened today, though:

-An e-mail from Erin Kean! I've being meaning to get in touch with this woman for so long. However, I deleted my facebook and realized that I don't have her updated telephone number. So, you could imagine my excitement when she e-mailed me! Miss you, Ekean! Can't say that enough.

- Baked eggplant. So yummy. (Yes, procrastination = heightened amount of domestic activity minus the cleaning which, uh... yeah, need to do for the sake of my roomates).

- Talked to the cutest boy in the world! He made me smile and giggle.

- Bonded with Dorian.

- Hugged Sarah Anne and declared her my platonic partner, because she kind of is.

Now, must go to bed soon.

Photo Added for Effect.

I FAIL. SERIOUSLY.

Did this instead.

MRP.

9:58 AM - Word Count: 5573

Goal for 4:00 PM - Word Count: 6600

Goal for 11: 59 PM - Word Count: 7500

Let's see if I can do this? C'mon friends and readers, hold me accountable to this.

Did I seriously go on for 500 words about the Tyra Banks show?

The answer is: yes.

I MADE MY FIRST MEME!

I am super internet cool! I also submitted it to the very best new tumblr, Privilege Denying Dude, where you can make and submit your own privilege denying memes!

Friday Night at the Tumblr Haus.

Fries and gravy making, video gamming, tumbling and essay writing!

M.I.A. a Ms Petrushka Baxter who we miss very dearly and wish was here.